Here we go again..

Oh how things have changed. Well, they've kind of changed? I'm in the same situation I was in a year ago (roughly). Its hard not to beat myself up about it when I never see the wool being pulled over my eyes.

I think that some people are not meant to be monogamous. And that "forever" is an irrational expectation in relationships. Very few people ever really have that forever love that we often hear & dream about. What am I going on about? My husbands inability to be happy with me.. and just me. He hasn't physically cheated on me (that I know of). But in a way, I wish he had. It would be easier to walk away than to continually want to give him another shot.

Maybe I'm weird to expect monogamy? Loyalty? Who knows. I guess I'm old fashioned. I don't want him flirting and chatting with other women (or should I say girls). Nor do I want him telling them that we've been broken up for a month, but that he's finally starting to think about moving on. In a way, it makes me angry, that he had to join a dating site for the attention he needed. And maybe I'm overreacting, but this keeps happening. Regardless of how much I do for him, or how much I try to show him that I care. I feel like maybe its a means to an end.

I don't want to be 23 and divorced. I don't want to have to move back to that rinky dink city.. end up going to college online to become something I don't even want to be. But I honestly don't know how much better the alternative would be. Staying here.. with him.. never knowing whether or not he's being loyal. I think it would drive me crazy. And the fact that it keeps happening has already worsened my low self confidence. Something has to be wrong with me.. for him to never be happy.

Blah, I'm ranting circles around myself. Needless to say, I'm emotional right now. Frantically trying to explore all my options before I make any important decisions. Hopefully I get this all figured out.

Motivation.

I guess a lot of people struggle with this, because I'm certain that I'm not alone here. But, I always seem to lack motivation to ever really REALLY accomplish anything. It always seems like.. I want to better myself (whether that be losing weight, furthering my education or standing up for my cause), but I just never really do anything about it. I usually pull the old "I'll start next week". I never do..

I need to find some motivation in a hurry. Thoughts of college and cultivating the perfect (okay, not perfect.. but better) beach body are pushing me a little. But, I have this feeling that I'm going to end up ruining my own plans. But I must say, even just typing this out gives me a little push.

As I had mentioned before, Greg and I have really been considering going back to school. I feel like its the best way for me to help support our family. I'll probably have to get a part time job, but I can definitely deal with that. Especially now that we (finally) have two vehicles.. it shouldn't be too hard to find something that'll at least help pay for gas so that I can commute. I don't know how serious Greg is about going to school. I do think he wants to go, but I think we both realize how hard and expensive it's going to be for both of us to go to school, plus he has a full-time job with absolutely crazy hours. Its a tricky situation.

As for me, I want to (maybe) become an art teacher. But, I think I'm going to take some graphic design and photography classes, too. Mostly because I realize that the economy is bad, and that a lot of schools are cutting art classes.. but, maybe I could work as a substitute teacher. But I'd like to at least have GD or photography to fall back on.

I went into too much detail there, I'm sure.
But oh well.
I guess I should tear myself away from the keyboard and go wake up el husband.

Another Update.

So, I've not really had time to write much. Things around here seem to get worse long before they get better. Between arguments and fatigued insomnia (I don't know if that's what its called,  but that's what I'm calling it) I never get anything done. If you think my blog looks bad, you should see our apartment. It's not gross or anything, just oh so cluttered & and dominated by dog hair. Eek.


Through all of the "blah" we're going through right now, with being on a super tight budget & both of us being pretty stressed out... H & I were able to really talk about some things. Some of my issues with depression, loneliness & fear (of his drinking again). I don't think we really accomplished anything though, seeing as last night I was babysitting his drunken ass in Wal-mart. But, it was nice to be able to talk ... Also, I think we've both decided we want to go back to school. We live close(ish) to a local college, that has classes to suit both of us & is fairly affordable. But, I'll have to update you on that later on.. it seems that we won't be able to go until Spring 2012.

Now,
I'm moving. Not me, physically. My blog. To something a little more private. ;)
But I'll reveal a little more later, once I get everything set up the way I want.

Playing catch up.

I've been avoiding putting together this entry for nearly a month now. To be completely honest, I just haven't had the strength or will power. This past month has been confusing, to say the least. I've gone through phases of anger, excitement, sadness & even deep depression.

I guess it all started with a little pregnancy scare. I was freaked out because I had been feeling bad (headaches, nausea, fatigue, etc) and it all seemed to add up. But, after 3 at home tests & a visit with a doctor (who only did a urine test) my results have all been negative. This, however scary that it was, prompted an emotional response from me that I didn't quite expect. After the fear subsided, I actually got excited about the possibility of starting a family. My husband and I talked about it, and decided that a child is definitely in our future (if at all possible). After the excitement (prior to the tests) came sadness.. I was upset that the tests were negative.. Now I'm just REALLY confused. I still have terrible headaches, some heartburn, and this constant "bloaty" feeling.. I've gained about seven pounds, even though my eating habits haven't changed. I wanted my doctor to do a blood test or an ultrasound, just so that I move on & know for certain. Plus, I guess I've been watching too much "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant". I just know the problems that can arise for both baby and mom when you don't have any prenatal care. I probably am just paranoid, but I need to know for certain..

Beyond that, I've started to think more about my life. Between worries of children and of aging. I won't lie, the thought of getting old scares the shit out of me. It always has, but lately its been on my mind a lot. We went to Louisiana to visit his maternal grandparents.. and, it was a sad sad mess. His grandfather is in pretty bad shape and is now in a home. As we walked in, I felt the atmosphere change. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run out. But, I stuck it out, for Greg.. It was a long day, and I think the only good thing that happened that day was me meeting his younger cousin, J. It was nice to have a conversation with someone that I actually had a little in common with, despite a pretty significant age gap. Anyways, that whole ordeal made me wonder what my later years would bring me. Would I still be married? Would I still be healthy? And so many other questions.. Once my mind gets on a topic, its hard to think about anything else.. all I can say is that the future definitely scares me.

Friends vs family.
As I said, its been a weird month- so I'll just throw everything out there. I'm a in bit of a depression.. I lost two very close friends just in this past two weeks. Two of the people that I talked to just about every day. (This is a big deal to me- because since moving to Texas, I've not made a single friend.. so I rely on my friends back in WV a lot. I like to have at least some kind of social life.) In a way, I know I had to do what I did.. but, at the same time.. I miss having someone to talk to so badly. One of these was my younger brother's girlfriend (F) and the other was a friend I've had for years, whom I'd lived with at one point in time (JD). Apparently JD & F had been talking/seeing each other behind my brother's back. I had tried to talk to them, and I had to ask F to step out of our "wedding" in wv.. because I didn't want to make things awkward for my family. I pretty much blew up at JD though. I slightly regret some of it, but I think I had a few pretty good reasons to be upset. In the two months prior to this.. he had begged me to play middle man between him & his ex-girlfriend (K) so that he could break her & her boyfriend (whom she was living with) up. (sending her emails about how he was still in love with her, etc etc.) His attempts were unsuccessful, but it did cause a lot of issues between K and her fella. Shortly after this he was dating someone new... then two weeks later, someone else that he "loved." then less than a week after that he's with F?? Sounds fishy to me.. not to mention that he'll probably change his mind, and will have ruined my brother's & F's relationship permanently.. & this has caused issues with my dad & other brother. They "rent" a house the F's father owns. Now this living arrangement is being threatened, and my dad can't really afford anything else at the moment. Ugh, this is driving me mad.. anyways.. now I am completely stressed out, unsure of so many things.. but to conclude, they both blocked my from FB. I guess the truth hurts?

Some days I wish I had someone here. Someone other than my husband, because as much as I love him, we're so very different. I don't mind that we're different, but when he's the only person I'm ever around, I get irritated, because I want him to do things with me (shop, go for walks, etc) and his interests are elsewhere. I'm going crazy, some days I think I'd be better off to move back to WV.. or , I don't know.. I wish something would happen.

Anger

Today I am simply angry. I am angry that I'm stuck in this cage. I am angry that I don't have the strength to break out of my shell. I am angry that my husband cares more about beer and television than he cares about my needs. I am angry at myself for always putting him first.. because I am truly neglecting myself; my body, my emotional needs, and my maternal needs. I hate that I feel guilty every day of my life because my husband supports me financially. I miss my job, my family, my friends, my hobbies, my life. I have nothing in common with the former Brittany, even though I was becoming a better person- a person that for ONCE in my life, I was happy with. Sure, I lived with my mother.. but other than sharing a roof and a few bills, I lived my life separate from hers. I had more independence, more confidence.. more love for my life. I do not regret moving here with my husband.. I regret changing. I wish I had not become so anxious and depressed again. The fear I have for the outside world astonishes me. But I feel that I have no control over it. I'm angry that I changed my life so that it was convenient for him. It was not his fault, he never asked me to do this, but still I feel this immense resentment towards him for what my life has become. I am angry with myself..

Just an update..

Just popping in to say sorry for all the changes & no posts. Life has been... less than ideal lately. I'm still trying to piece together a couple of entries, but my mind seems to be elsewhere. I'll explain soon! For now.. I have a pulled muscle to tend to. (Hot bath, here I come!)

Getting back on the wagon.

This post may turn out to be a little long, but that won't be my intent. I just have so much on my mind. I was going to type "going on" in place of "on my mind". However, nothing ever happens in my life. The most eventful things that have happened this week.. were talking Greg into going in Hobby Lobby with me & Kail trying to attack a man with a noisy wheelbarrow. -sigh-

I've been trying to evaluate my life.
I feel the need to do this every once in a while, as over time I tend to get off track. But, I don't know what happened this time. In my attempt to make my husband happy, I do believe I've given in a little too much. Not to mention that I have become a house wife. -GASP- Not something I ever pictured for myself. I have no life outside these walls & away from this screen. I've always had anxiety, I really dislike trying to go out and do things on my own, at least the first time. I've told Greg this... I don't know how many times. I don't think I ask for very much.. occasionally a  toy for Kail, some meds and a new outfit (once since we've been together). Truthfully, I don't want material things. I mean, sure.. eventually I'd like to decorate our apartment, but more than anything.. I just want him to come outside with me. The best times I've had with him, has been on random little outings. Walks at the park, paddle boating, walking Kail, etc. Not only are these things very enjoyable and relaxing for me, but we seem to argue less.. and I get less fat.

That brings me to my next point.
After SO much success at my first go at veganism, I'm disappointed in myself. I've gained weight since moving to Texas. My diet went from mostly raw veggies, fruits, greens, organic staples, sugars and breads.. to mostly fast and easy foods. Fries, microwave veggie burgers, no vitamins, etc. I hate to admit it, but I even fell off the vegan wagon when our money got low. It was my diet or his... My husband tried to go vegan for only a few days last week, and he was absolutely miserable. I tried, and tried, and tried to make him food he'd like. Vegetable soup was really the only thing I got anywhere with. So, he went back to eating meat. Which means, I have to prepare and cook it. I HATE it. Being around the flesh & dead carcasses. I want to tell him.. either eat what I'm eating, or fix it yourself. But, I'd feel guilty. But the guilt of preparing their bodies makes me feel even more guilty. So, I have to change this. I know it will get me back on track. I want to get back to where I was. A healthier, more beautiful person from the inside out...

Riding the Depression Express.

So another week passes
I've meant to write more. But I guess my good intentions won't write my blogs for me. We've been back on our old schedule. Me staying up all night to wake him up early in the morning. It's a sucky plan, but its the only one that seems to get him to work on time.

This past week, my anxiety has gotten far worse than I think its ever been. Its so bad, that my face has started breaking out. That's just another worry. My weight won't change (given, I've not tried to do much about it except make smarter food choices, given my position as "Human Alarm Clock"), and last night someone(s) decided to let me know, by yelling "FAT ASS" at me while I was walking Kail. Okay- I know that I'm not tiny, but I'm not huge either. Normally, this wouldn't bother me so much. People are stupid, I get that. But, it was just the straw that broke my self confidence. All my worries and complaints about my body, and now it was apparent that it wasn't just something I was seeing. My physical faults are real.. obvious to the world. This pretty much has ruined my night. The sad thing, is that yesterday was actually an okay day.

Let's start from the beginning..
The plan was to get to bed at a decent hour, wake up pretty early, take Kail for a long walk/run at the park, then spend the rest of our day at the State Park. INSTEAD- we stay up late, discussing finances, horses (which I'll get into another time) & purchased tickets and a hotel room for a 3 day concert next weekend. Its mostly for his birthday, but also because I feel we need this break away from our daily routine. Anyways, he was drinking, and rambling on about a truck. I'm so tired of hearing about it right now. (In fact, that night I even dreamed that we took our cat to the vet, and they told us she needed a new motor...geez) We get to bed around two, but like every other time he's gone to sleep (passed out) after drinking, he takes up the entire bed & simply will not budge. After a couple of hours of trying to balance myself on the edge of the bed AND get to sleep, I gave up and moved to the couch. Our..couch...sucks. I get about an hour of sleep & a couple of weird dreams. (motor cat). After about an hour of sleep, Greg comes into the living room & wakes me. Wondering why I'm laying on the couch. I explain, I think he feels bad, but I'm far too cranky to acknowledge it.

From there, we proceed back to the bedroom. I am so tired, I try to sleep. 2 hours go by, I cannot fall asleep. We finally decide to get up, and try to make the best of this day. He buys himself some fishing stuff (yuck! sadness) and we load up and head out to the State Park. I had forgotten this was Easter Weekend, so it was pretty packed. We explore a little, then decide we want to rent a paddle boat. It took us a while to get one, but it was worth the wait, and the trip. It was really fun. My legs got tired after we were on the other side of the lake though. But it was nice, just spending time with my boo, not at home. I feel our home has just been full of stress lately. Plus, I love love love being out around the water. Something about it is relaxing.I even stuck my feet in the water, which is surprising, considering there are gators here, and I'm pretty much terrified. I was in the moment. After that, we go get food, then come back. Its late, they don't have any more boats for us to take out.. so he tried to fish a bit. No luck (YAY), and we leave. Over all, it was a very lovely experience.

Upon arriving home..
One of Greg's very close friends lives a few hundred miles away, and doesn't come back here very often. He was coming in this night, and his friends were throwing a little party that night. We plan on going. By the time we get home from the park, however, I'm nearly falling asleep. I'm so tired and sore from little sleep, and a lot of paddling. Still, I agree to go. We're getting ready, I take Kail outside to use the potty before we go. Some idiot kids (17 - 21 in age, I would guess) decide it will be funny to drive up next to me and shout "FATASS", as you read above. I cried, and cried, and told Greg to go without me.He never gets to see his friends, and I'd do the same thing if I were going to get to see my friends. My only request, is that he let me know if he decides to stay the night.. so that I can go to sleep without worrying about an inebriated husband driving 30 + miles to get home in the middle of the night.

It is soon 3 am, my last text from his is at 12:28 am, "..I'm gonna head home sometime soon". I can't keep my eyes open any longer, I fall asleep, assuming I'm going to see him when I wake up. I wake up at 8, he's not in bed. He's not on the couch. I call him several times. No answer. This makes me both worry about his well being, but also who he might be with. As much as I hate to admit it, I still worry that he'll cheat again. I haven't asked him why he didn't come home. Part of me thinks that if I don't know, it will be okay. But, I can tell when he's lying to me. I don't want him to lie to me, I'm not ready for what could happen if he was with someone else. *sigh* my anxiety is killing me.

I think that I over think and over analyze every situation. But, I feel like my anxiety plays a big part in that. And in my depression. I need to manage it better, I need to communicate better, and obviously, I need to get out more..

The early morning rant.

I        a  m        t  i  r  e  d  .  .  . 

 

What a weekend... 

 This weekend has left me wondering about my own sanity. Well, maybe that's not the best way to word it, but (since I've only had an hour and a half of sleep) it will have to work. I'm physically & mentally exhausted. As I've stated before, my anxiety has been getting worse. I'm finding that I handle things so much better at handling things when they've been planned out (not down to every detail, but I need some sort of expectation as to what I'm doing & when). I talk to Greg about this for a great while after a Starbucks episode (Story for another day). After this long talk about my anxiety & ways to prevent the attacks, his mother calls. Don't get me wrong, I love my MIL, but she changes her mind so often. She's says she'll be here at eleven to pick us up and head out to this "Gusher Days" event several miles from our apartment. Now, when she says eleven, I don't know what to expect. Eleven can mean anything from nine, to one. So already I am irritated. We wake up at 9:30. RUSH to get ready. She doesn't show up until noon. Ugh, then hurries us, I really hate to be hurried. We go out, stopping at yard sales & a carnival type area. The streets are lined with booths & tents with some pretty cool trinkets; nothing outstanding. I think we bought a cute Texas flag light switch cover.  

Sunday...

This day was somewhat of a blur. It began terribly for Greg. He was so irritable. Yelling and cussing at just about anything in his path. This ended with him punching the door. My mood starts to get bad at this point. Tonight is laundry night & grocery night- recipe for disaster. We get the laundry ready and head out to out usual laundromat. Its packed; not one available washer & we need two. We decide the best course of action is to wait and do it the next night. Our laundromat is never crowded on Mondays. By this time, I can almost see steam coming out of his ears... grocery shopping is a disaster too. We unintentionally spend more than we need to, go to the selfcheck- our card is declined. Upon checking our account balance online, we find that our car insurance was pro-rated & the pro-rated part from the first month, was randomly added to this months bill (which is taken out automatically). Fail. There's more from last night, but that deserves a post all its own... 

To sum up this weekend:

• Greg has bruised knuckles.

• I have a greater appreciation for my list making.

• We have "$0.01" in our account.

• Greg has an absolutely terrible hair cut- I am definitely not a barber.

Rejected, shocking.

This will not be my official post of the day. But, I figured I'd write this because, well.. I'm just pretty pissed off. 

For about the last six months Greg & I's relationship has become increasingly less intimate. Yeah, I know.. no one wants to hear about this. But hey, this is my blog, lol. Consider yourself warned, feel free to stop reading now, because its only getting worse from here. 

When we first moved in together, I weighed about 30 lbs less than I do now. Things were okay, for about a week. After that, I noticed an abrupt change in the the affection I was getting from my husband. Over time, it just got worse. Now, we're never intimate more that twice a month. Only if I initiate it. He never does. He never tries. I used to try to initiate it a few times a week, but after a refection rate of about 90%, I stopped trying so much. I miss him, not just sexually, but intimately. I miss that connection. I miss feeling wanted, needed, loved. Now, a peck on the lips & occasionally holding hands in the grocery store is all I can get out of him. 

Obviously, I started to worry about him talking to other women, again. I think this is a normal reaction, considering the past. I don't know what is going on. Maybe it is the weight gain. *shrugs* All I know is that I feel like its driving a wedge of resentment between us.

Okay, enough of that stuff. :)

Catching up.

I've not written in a week?! 

Weird, things have been pretty hectic lately. I'm sure you know this if you've read my last posts. Greg's burn has finally healed almost completely, so its nice to not have to stay up late & get him bandaged up. This means I'll actually be able to get a little sleep. I did get sleep, and now I'm addicted to it, lol. I slept in today, and I must say- I feel SO much better.

Tomorrow-
I think I'm going to get some heavy duty cleaning done. And, hopefully, go for a jog with Kail in the morning. That would be nice, and good for both of us. If it's raining, maybe just a nice workout at our apartment complex gym (mucho convenient). Plus, I always feel a lot better after I have a nice jog or workout. Maybe it will get me out of the "funk" I've been in.

I've still been experiencing this overwhelming anxiety. Everything makes me nervous. Of course, I've still been trying to get Greg to see that he DOES yell too much. He must not realize it. It makes me a nervous wreck.. because I'm always expecting him to start yelling about something. Blah! I don't know what else to do to help with that. I've also been wanting to go to the gym more- but each time I've attempted it, someone's in there. It sounds silly I guess, but its such a small gym that its really awkward to be in there with someone you don't know. It doesn't help that I feel terrible about my body anyways. So, I'd rather just workout in private until I feel like I look better & can do more.

Uh oh- it's about time for dinner, so I'll be sure to write more later (hopefully).
<3

Bad day..

Today is going to be a bad day. I'm already up tight because Greg keeps raising his voice. I don't think he realizes that he does this, but I've tried to make him aware of it several times. And to make matters worse, we have tight budget & are going shopping today for groceries & pet supplies. I think I'm just going to let him do what he wants.. hopefully that won't cause a fight. I simply do not have the energy to fight & argue today. -sighhh-

I've had a lot on my mind the last couple of days, about my relationship especially. But you know, I'll have to write about it later today. My head hurts already.. 

Heavy mind, heavier eyelids.

Okay,
I lied. I didn't post like I promised to. But in my defense, the past two days have been.. hectic. 

my lovely wildflowers have really taken off! :)

 

This past week-
As I began telling you before, Greg (my husband) 's accident made things.. well, less than normal around here. After getting badly burnt at work, we were told he had to keep going back to the Wound Care part of the hospital everyday to have it cleaned, bandaged and so that they could track the progress he was making. The problem.. the EXACT same day that he gets burnt, our car breaks down. It always breaks down when I drive it. The last time I ended up on the side of a country road until about four in the morning, with a passed out drunken Greg in the passenger seat. Anyways, our car broke down. He's pretty messed up on the pain medicine they gave him, so its up to me (Mrs Cracks Under Pressure) to figure out how we're going to get from our apartment to Wound Care every day. Hmm.. I decide that its probably easiest just to call a cab. $20 a day round trip each day. We have no money coming in, and a dwindling stack of twenties. Needless to say, it was a rough 2 weeks.

Things are finally looking up. Today (March 31rst) he went back to work for the first time since the accident. He seemed to do okay, from what he told me. A few weeks on restricted duty, and I think things will be back to normal. In the mean time, I'm learning that I'm not as good of a nurse as I had hoped I'd be.. lol.

In other news,
A lot has been on my mind lately. My best friend (TJ we'll call her, since I've not asked for consent to include her name) recently split from her long time boyfriend. This is bad because.

• I feel bad. I want to be there for her, physically. I know it helps me when I have a shoulder to cry on and a friend to take me out and cheer me up.
• I feel conflicted. They've split up for the exact reason that Greg and I almost split.

The only difference, is that I was able to fake a smile and try to move past this. I forgave him. But as we all know, forgiving is a bit easier (at least I think so) than forgetting. I can't seem to forget what happened. I'm overly anxious when he leaves for work, when he stays up later than me, when he's on his phone more than usual. I'm a paranoid mess. I don't want history to repeat itself. But- I keep wondering if I did the right thing at all. I love him , I really do. But there's a big part of me that just wanted to walk away. Trust is so hard to build back, and I've always had a hard time trusting people anyways. (Which I'll explain later). Am I stronger or weaker than I should be? Should I have walked away? Or did I do the right thing? I don't know right now. I guess I'm going to see if things keep going well.

I'm going to write a little more tomorrow (no promises).
Right now I'm going to catch an old episode of SVU & then get Greg's lunch ready for tomorrow.

<3 Brittany

Post 3 ½

For whatever reason, I've still not had the time to put together my next post. So this is a post...between posts? I don't know, another will follow tomorrow. I promise.


In the mean time, here's a picture of Kail. :P Enjoy the cuteness!

Fly away..

 

 To fly away, oh how lovely it would be...

I've been putting off writing this entry. For no reason other than I really don't know where to begin. So, I'm just going to start typing.. and I guess we'll see what comes out. ;)

Life has been hectic lately, very hectic. My husband was involved in a pretty serious accident at work. He was burnt pretty badly. So now we have to attend physical therapy about 4 - 6 times each week. (I'll include more details of this past hectic week in the next post) Aside from that, I've really had to step up and help him with things. I don't mind, I really don't. But I'm neglecting myself a little bit in the midst of all of this. I've become somewhat of a couch potato in my free time. I don't like this, and try daily to change. It just seems like I can never get a good start to any day. I never sleep long enough, thus I never feel like making breakfast or working out. Or if I do eat breakfast, its fast and easy. I have to change this for both of us. We've both put on a bit of weight dur to this lifestyle of convenience and attempted comfort. Hopefully things will get back to normal once his burns heal (which could take a little while. The doctor in the ER & the physical therapist told us that the burns were second and third degree. And also that we may have to go to Dallas before all this is over with).

I'm trying to keep my spirits high, but I've felt myself slipping into a depression for months now. I feel like I can't really say anything about it to my husband though.. he tends to blame himself when I'm unhappy. But it isn't his fault at all. I wish I could make him understand that. It would be nice if I had a shoulder to lean on and help support me through this, instead of someone simply beating themselves up. I'm happy with him, happier than I could ever be with someone. This depression.. just is. I've struggled with severe depression since I was a young teenager. I feel trapped in my body. My mind is active, always moving from one thought to the other. Few of them pleasant, most are thoughts of dread and anxiety about everything that's going on. I simply do not know how to escape it. I want to get up, get outside, feel the sun on my skin and the sweat that comes along with a nice jog. I cannot. I walk outside and immediately I feel anxious. I hate it when people look at me. I don't have the energy to look (what I consider) presentable to people..

All in all, I have a lot of work to do. And a lot more to write about. But I'm going to try and get a little sleep. Tomorrow could be better.. 

Bitter sweet

Today has been a day that has enlightened, yet irritated me at the same time. I walked outside in the rain this morning. The tiny wildflowers are starting to poke up from the ground. I look at them & smile. It reminds me that the most beautiful things in the world are often the most over looked.

Now, for the bitter..

I have felt more frustrated today than I have in a very very long time. A combination of low energy & a dirty apartment drove me mad. Its still dirty, mostly disorganized. I have asked my husband several times to help me clean the kitchen or help me organize. But if I don't constantly nag him, it is never done. Right now I have subjected him to a little experiment- I asked him a week ago to take out the trash that's piled up on the back patio. I'm not going to remind him more than once a day that he promised to do so. Should we make bets on how long it takes him to do so? I think he thinks that if I forget about it, or don't notice it.. he doesn't have to do it. He does this with several things. I am not mad, simply frustrated because of my fatigue. I' m hoping tomorrow I can get the apartment in better shape & organize the bill book. :/

There are so many things I would like to be doing tonight.. sleeping would be my first option. Being a human alarm clock is starting to wear me down.

My ultimate goal is to rearrange my schedule: (am)

• 5:00 wake up, get hubby up, 30 minute jog/walk with Kail. (Elliptical if the weather doesn't permit a jog)
• 5:30 Breakfast for both of us & prepare hubby's lunch.
• 6:00 Shower
• 6:30 Yoga, some stretching and something nice to read.

Is that too much to ask for? ;)

Wah waaah.

This first entry is going to suck.
BUT, I might as well actually post a first entry I guess.

I'm tired. Its 4:46 am and I am beyond tired. I didn't sleep well last night either. There's been so much on my mind. Combine all these ridiculous thoughts with my career as the human alarm clock for my husband.. yep, recipe for one sleepy mama. On top of that, I keep getting these strange headaches accompanied with a few minutes of dizziness & then nausea. But its not a migraine. I've had those before, this is completely different. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with my quest to eat healthier. I can't help but feel like I'm not getting all the nutrients I need. I'm missing some things.. iron, mostly. I'm wondering if that could cause such problems.*googles*

Google says I have anemia. I could believe this. I've not worked out in weeks. I feel to tired, too weak to push myself into doing certain activities. Hmmph, I need to remember my leafy greens and my Centrum.

I think I'll try to sleep soon. I want to accomplish things today. Maybe start organizing the apartment, putting together an array of photos for all my frames, maybe get some cleaning done. And maybe blog about important things.. lol. There's been so much on my mind lately, I just haven't had the energy to really write it down or talk to anyone about it. Perhaps later today..

See link to Livejournal for more. <3