Playing catch up.

I've been avoiding putting together this entry for nearly a month now. To be completely honest, I just haven't had the strength or will power. This past month has been confusing, to say the least. I've gone through phases of anger, excitement, sadness & even deep depression.

I guess it all started with a little pregnancy scare. I was freaked out because I had been feeling bad (headaches, nausea, fatigue, etc) and it all seemed to add up. But, after 3 at home tests & a visit with a doctor (who only did a urine test) my results have all been negative. This, however scary that it was, prompted an emotional response from me that I didn't quite expect. After the fear subsided, I actually got excited about the possibility of starting a family. My husband and I talked about it, and decided that a child is definitely in our future (if at all possible). After the excitement (prior to the tests) came sadness.. I was upset that the tests were negative.. Now I'm just REALLY confused. I still have terrible headaches, some heartburn, and this constant "bloaty" feeling.. I've gained about seven pounds, even though my eating habits haven't changed. I wanted my doctor to do a blood test or an ultrasound, just so that I move on & know for certain. Plus, I guess I've been watching too much "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant". I just know the problems that can arise for both baby and mom when you don't have any prenatal care. I probably am just paranoid, but I need to know for certain..

Beyond that, I've started to think more about my life. Between worries of children and of aging. I won't lie, the thought of getting old scares the shit out of me. It always has, but lately its been on my mind a lot. We went to Louisiana to visit his maternal grandparents.. and, it was a sad sad mess. His grandfather is in pretty bad shape and is now in a home. As we walked in, I felt the atmosphere change. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run out. But, I stuck it out, for Greg.. It was a long day, and I think the only good thing that happened that day was me meeting his younger cousin, J. It was nice to have a conversation with someone that I actually had a little in common with, despite a pretty significant age gap. Anyways, that whole ordeal made me wonder what my later years would bring me. Would I still be married? Would I still be healthy? And so many other questions.. Once my mind gets on a topic, its hard to think about anything else.. all I can say is that the future definitely scares me.

Friends vs family.
As I said, its been a weird month- so I'll just throw everything out there. I'm a in bit of a depression.. I lost two very close friends just in this past two weeks. Two of the people that I talked to just about every day. (This is a big deal to me- because since moving to Texas, I've not made a single friend.. so I rely on my friends back in WV a lot. I like to have at least some kind of social life.) In a way, I know I had to do what I did.. but, at the same time.. I miss having someone to talk to so badly. One of these was my younger brother's girlfriend (F) and the other was a friend I've had for years, whom I'd lived with at one point in time (JD). Apparently JD & F had been talking/seeing each other behind my brother's back. I had tried to talk to them, and I had to ask F to step out of our "wedding" in wv.. because I didn't want to make things awkward for my family. I pretty much blew up at JD though. I slightly regret some of it, but I think I had a few pretty good reasons to be upset. In the two months prior to this.. he had begged me to play middle man between him & his ex-girlfriend (K) so that he could break her & her boyfriend (whom she was living with) up. (sending her emails about how he was still in love with her, etc etc.) His attempts were unsuccessful, but it did cause a lot of issues between K and her fella. Shortly after this he was dating someone new... then two weeks later, someone else that he "loved." then less than a week after that he's with F?? Sounds fishy to me.. not to mention that he'll probably change his mind, and will have ruined my brother's & F's relationship permanently.. & this has caused issues with my dad & other brother. They "rent" a house the F's father owns. Now this living arrangement is being threatened, and my dad can't really afford anything else at the moment. Ugh, this is driving me mad.. anyways.. now I am completely stressed out, unsure of so many things.. but to conclude, they both blocked my from FB. I guess the truth hurts?

Some days I wish I had someone here. Someone other than my husband, because as much as I love him, we're so very different. I don't mind that we're different, but when he's the only person I'm ever around, I get irritated, because I want him to do things with me (shop, go for walks, etc) and his interests are elsewhere. I'm going crazy, some days I think I'd be better off to move back to WV.. or , I don't know.. I wish something would happen.