Riding the Depression Express.

So another week passes
I've meant to write more. But I guess my good intentions won't write my blogs for me. We've been back on our old schedule. Me staying up all night to wake him up early in the morning. It's a sucky plan, but its the only one that seems to get him to work on time.

This past week, my anxiety has gotten far worse than I think its ever been. Its so bad, that my face has started breaking out. That's just another worry. My weight won't change (given, I've not tried to do much about it except make smarter food choices, given my position as "Human Alarm Clock"), and last night someone(s) decided to let me know, by yelling "FAT ASS" at me while I was walking Kail. Okay- I know that I'm not tiny, but I'm not huge either. Normally, this wouldn't bother me so much. People are stupid, I get that. But, it was just the straw that broke my self confidence. All my worries and complaints about my body, and now it was apparent that it wasn't just something I was seeing. My physical faults are real.. obvious to the world. This pretty much has ruined my night. The sad thing, is that yesterday was actually an okay day.

Let's start from the beginning..
The plan was to get to bed at a decent hour, wake up pretty early, take Kail for a long walk/run at the park, then spend the rest of our day at the State Park. INSTEAD- we stay up late, discussing finances, horses (which I'll get into another time) & purchased tickets and a hotel room for a 3 day concert next weekend. Its mostly for his birthday, but also because I feel we need this break away from our daily routine. Anyways, he was drinking, and rambling on about a truck. I'm so tired of hearing about it right now. (In fact, that night I even dreamed that we took our cat to the vet, and they told us she needed a new motor...geez) We get to bed around two, but like every other time he's gone to sleep (passed out) after drinking, he takes up the entire bed & simply will not budge. After a couple of hours of trying to balance myself on the edge of the bed AND get to sleep, I gave up and moved to the couch. Our..couch...sucks. I get about an hour of sleep & a couple of weird dreams. (motor cat). After about an hour of sleep, Greg comes into the living room & wakes me. Wondering why I'm laying on the couch. I explain, I think he feels bad, but I'm far too cranky to acknowledge it.

From there, we proceed back to the bedroom. I am so tired, I try to sleep. 2 hours go by, I cannot fall asleep. We finally decide to get up, and try to make the best of this day. He buys himself some fishing stuff (yuck! sadness) and we load up and head out to the State Park. I had forgotten this was Easter Weekend, so it was pretty packed. We explore a little, then decide we want to rent a paddle boat. It took us a while to get one, but it was worth the wait, and the trip. It was really fun. My legs got tired after we were on the other side of the lake though. But it was nice, just spending time with my boo, not at home. I feel our home has just been full of stress lately. Plus, I love love love being out around the water. Something about it is relaxing.I even stuck my feet in the water, which is surprising, considering there are gators here, and I'm pretty much terrified. I was in the moment. After that, we go get food, then come back. Its late, they don't have any more boats for us to take out.. so he tried to fish a bit. No luck (YAY), and we leave. Over all, it was a very lovely experience.

Upon arriving home..
One of Greg's very close friends lives a few hundred miles away, and doesn't come back here very often. He was coming in this night, and his friends were throwing a little party that night. We plan on going. By the time we get home from the park, however, I'm nearly falling asleep. I'm so tired and sore from little sleep, and a lot of paddling. Still, I agree to go. We're getting ready, I take Kail outside to use the potty before we go. Some idiot kids (17 - 21 in age, I would guess) decide it will be funny to drive up next to me and shout "FATASS", as you read above. I cried, and cried, and told Greg to go without me.He never gets to see his friends, and I'd do the same thing if I were going to get to see my friends. My only request, is that he let me know if he decides to stay the night.. so that I can go to sleep without worrying about an inebriated husband driving 30 + miles to get home in the middle of the night.

It is soon 3 am, my last text from his is at 12:28 am, "..I'm gonna head home sometime soon". I can't keep my eyes open any longer, I fall asleep, assuming I'm going to see him when I wake up. I wake up at 8, he's not in bed. He's not on the couch. I call him several times. No answer. This makes me both worry about his well being, but also who he might be with. As much as I hate to admit it, I still worry that he'll cheat again. I haven't asked him why he didn't come home. Part of me thinks that if I don't know, it will be okay. But, I can tell when he's lying to me. I don't want him to lie to me, I'm not ready for what could happen if he was with someone else. *sigh* my anxiety is killing me.

I think that I over think and over analyze every situation. But, I feel like my anxiety plays a big part in that. And in my depression. I need to manage it better, I need to communicate better, and obviously, I need to get out more..

The early morning rant.

I        a  m        t  i  r  e  d  .  .  . 

 

What a weekend... 

 This weekend has left me wondering about my own sanity. Well, maybe that's not the best way to word it, but (since I've only had an hour and a half of sleep) it will have to work. I'm physically & mentally exhausted. As I've stated before, my anxiety has been getting worse. I'm finding that I handle things so much better at handling things when they've been planned out (not down to every detail, but I need some sort of expectation as to what I'm doing & when). I talk to Greg about this for a great while after a Starbucks episode (Story for another day). After this long talk about my anxiety & ways to prevent the attacks, his mother calls. Don't get me wrong, I love my MIL, but she changes her mind so often. She's says she'll be here at eleven to pick us up and head out to this "Gusher Days" event several miles from our apartment. Now, when she says eleven, I don't know what to expect. Eleven can mean anything from nine, to one. So already I am irritated. We wake up at 9:30. RUSH to get ready. She doesn't show up until noon. Ugh, then hurries us, I really hate to be hurried. We go out, stopping at yard sales & a carnival type area. The streets are lined with booths & tents with some pretty cool trinkets; nothing outstanding. I think we bought a cute Texas flag light switch cover.  

Sunday...

This day was somewhat of a blur. It began terribly for Greg. He was so irritable. Yelling and cussing at just about anything in his path. This ended with him punching the door. My mood starts to get bad at this point. Tonight is laundry night & grocery night- recipe for disaster. We get the laundry ready and head out to out usual laundromat. Its packed; not one available washer & we need two. We decide the best course of action is to wait and do it the next night. Our laundromat is never crowded on Mondays. By this time, I can almost see steam coming out of his ears... grocery shopping is a disaster too. We unintentionally spend more than we need to, go to the selfcheck- our card is declined. Upon checking our account balance online, we find that our car insurance was pro-rated & the pro-rated part from the first month, was randomly added to this months bill (which is taken out automatically). Fail. There's more from last night, but that deserves a post all its own... 

To sum up this weekend:

• Greg has bruised knuckles.

• I have a greater appreciation for my list making.

• We have "$0.01" in our account.

• Greg has an absolutely terrible hair cut- I am definitely not a barber.

Rejected, shocking.

This will not be my official post of the day. But, I figured I'd write this because, well.. I'm just pretty pissed off. 

For about the last six months Greg & I's relationship has become increasingly less intimate. Yeah, I know.. no one wants to hear about this. But hey, this is my blog, lol. Consider yourself warned, feel free to stop reading now, because its only getting worse from here. 

When we first moved in together, I weighed about 30 lbs less than I do now. Things were okay, for about a week. After that, I noticed an abrupt change in the the affection I was getting from my husband. Over time, it just got worse. Now, we're never intimate more that twice a month. Only if I initiate it. He never does. He never tries. I used to try to initiate it a few times a week, but after a refection rate of about 90%, I stopped trying so much. I miss him, not just sexually, but intimately. I miss that connection. I miss feeling wanted, needed, loved. Now, a peck on the lips & occasionally holding hands in the grocery store is all I can get out of him. 

Obviously, I started to worry about him talking to other women, again. I think this is a normal reaction, considering the past. I don't know what is going on. Maybe it is the weight gain. *shrugs* All I know is that I feel like its driving a wedge of resentment between us.

Okay, enough of that stuff. :)

Catching up.

I've not written in a week?! 

Weird, things have been pretty hectic lately. I'm sure you know this if you've read my last posts. Greg's burn has finally healed almost completely, so its nice to not have to stay up late & get him bandaged up. This means I'll actually be able to get a little sleep. I did get sleep, and now I'm addicted to it, lol. I slept in today, and I must say- I feel SO much better.

Tomorrow-
I think I'm going to get some heavy duty cleaning done. And, hopefully, go for a jog with Kail in the morning. That would be nice, and good for both of us. If it's raining, maybe just a nice workout at our apartment complex gym (mucho convenient). Plus, I always feel a lot better after I have a nice jog or workout. Maybe it will get me out of the "funk" I've been in.

I've still been experiencing this overwhelming anxiety. Everything makes me nervous. Of course, I've still been trying to get Greg to see that he DOES yell too much. He must not realize it. It makes me a nervous wreck.. because I'm always expecting him to start yelling about something. Blah! I don't know what else to do to help with that. I've also been wanting to go to the gym more- but each time I've attempted it, someone's in there. It sounds silly I guess, but its such a small gym that its really awkward to be in there with someone you don't know. It doesn't help that I feel terrible about my body anyways. So, I'd rather just workout in private until I feel like I look better & can do more.

Uh oh- it's about time for dinner, so I'll be sure to write more later (hopefully).
<3

Bad day..

Today is going to be a bad day. I'm already up tight because Greg keeps raising his voice. I don't think he realizes that he does this, but I've tried to make him aware of it several times. And to make matters worse, we have tight budget & are going shopping today for groceries & pet supplies. I think I'm just going to let him do what he wants.. hopefully that won't cause a fight. I simply do not have the energy to fight & argue today. -sighhh-

I've had a lot on my mind the last couple of days, about my relationship especially. But you know, I'll have to write about it later today. My head hurts already.. 

Heavy mind, heavier eyelids.

Okay,
I lied. I didn't post like I promised to. But in my defense, the past two days have been.. hectic. 

my lovely wildflowers have really taken off! :)

 

This past week-
As I began telling you before, Greg (my husband) 's accident made things.. well, less than normal around here. After getting badly burnt at work, we were told he had to keep going back to the Wound Care part of the hospital everyday to have it cleaned, bandaged and so that they could track the progress he was making. The problem.. the EXACT same day that he gets burnt, our car breaks down. It always breaks down when I drive it. The last time I ended up on the side of a country road until about four in the morning, with a passed out drunken Greg in the passenger seat. Anyways, our car broke down. He's pretty messed up on the pain medicine they gave him, so its up to me (Mrs Cracks Under Pressure) to figure out how we're going to get from our apartment to Wound Care every day. Hmm.. I decide that its probably easiest just to call a cab. $20 a day round trip each day. We have no money coming in, and a dwindling stack of twenties. Needless to say, it was a rough 2 weeks.

Things are finally looking up. Today (March 31rst) he went back to work for the first time since the accident. He seemed to do okay, from what he told me. A few weeks on restricted duty, and I think things will be back to normal. In the mean time, I'm learning that I'm not as good of a nurse as I had hoped I'd be.. lol.

In other news,
A lot has been on my mind lately. My best friend (TJ we'll call her, since I've not asked for consent to include her name) recently split from her long time boyfriend. This is bad because.

• I feel bad. I want to be there for her, physically. I know it helps me when I have a shoulder to cry on and a friend to take me out and cheer me up.
• I feel conflicted. They've split up for the exact reason that Greg and I almost split.

The only difference, is that I was able to fake a smile and try to move past this. I forgave him. But as we all know, forgiving is a bit easier (at least I think so) than forgetting. I can't seem to forget what happened. I'm overly anxious when he leaves for work, when he stays up later than me, when he's on his phone more than usual. I'm a paranoid mess. I don't want history to repeat itself. But- I keep wondering if I did the right thing at all. I love him , I really do. But there's a big part of me that just wanted to walk away. Trust is so hard to build back, and I've always had a hard time trusting people anyways. (Which I'll explain later). Am I stronger or weaker than I should be? Should I have walked away? Or did I do the right thing? I don't know right now. I guess I'm going to see if things keep going well.

I'm going to write a little more tomorrow (no promises).
Right now I'm going to catch an old episode of SVU & then get Greg's lunch ready for tomorrow.

<3 Brittany