So another week passes
I've meant to write more. But I guess my good intentions won't write my blogs for me. We've been back on our old schedule. Me staying up all night to wake him up early in the morning. It's a sucky plan, but its the only one that seems to get him to work on time.
This past week, my anxiety has gotten far worse than I think its ever been. Its so bad, that my face has started breaking out. That's just another worry. My weight won't change (given, I've not tried to do much about it except make smarter food choices, given my position as "Human Alarm Clock"), and last night someone(s) decided to let me know, by yelling "FAT ASS" at me while I was walking Kail. Okay- I know that I'm not tiny, but I'm not huge either. Normally, this wouldn't bother me so much. People are stupid, I get that. But, it was just the straw that broke my self confidence. All my worries and complaints about my body, and now it was apparent that it wasn't just something I was seeing. My physical faults are real.. obvious to the world. This pretty much has ruined my night. The sad thing, is that yesterday was actually an okay day.
Let's start from the beginning..
The plan was to get to bed at a decent hour, wake up pretty early, take Kail for a long walk/run at the park, then spend the rest of our day at the State Park. INSTEAD- we stay up late, discussing finances, horses (which I'll get into another time) & purchased tickets and a hotel room for a 3 day concert next weekend. Its mostly for his birthday, but also because I feel we need this break away from our daily routine. Anyways, he was drinking, and rambling on about a truck. I'm so tired of hearing about it right now. (In fact, that night I even dreamed that we took our cat to the vet, and they told us she needed a new motor...geez) We get to bed around two, but like every other time he's gone to sleep (passed out) after drinking, he takes up the entire bed & simply will not budge. After a couple of hours of trying to balance myself on the edge of the bed AND get to sleep, I gave up and moved to the couch. Our..couch...sucks. I get about an hour of sleep & a couple of weird dreams. (motor cat). After about an hour of sleep, Greg comes into the living room & wakes me. Wondering why I'm laying on the couch. I explain, I think he feels bad, but I'm far too cranky to acknowledge it.
From there, we proceed back to the bedroom. I am so tired, I try to sleep. 2 hours go by, I cannot fall asleep. We finally decide to get up, and try to make the best of this day. He buys himself some fishing stuff (yuck! sadness) and we load up and head out to the State Park. I had forgotten this was Easter Weekend, so it was pretty packed. We explore a little, then decide we want to rent a paddle boat. It took us a while to get one, but it was worth the wait, and the trip. It was really fun. My legs got tired after we were on the other side of the lake though. But it was nice, just spending time with my boo, not at home. I feel our home has just been full of stress lately. Plus, I love love love being out around the water. Something about it is relaxing.I even stuck my feet in the water, which is surprising, considering there are gators here, and I'm pretty much terrified. I was in the moment. After that, we go get food, then come back. Its late, they don't have any more boats for us to take out.. so he tried to fish a bit. No luck (YAY), and we leave. Over all, it was a very lovely experience.
Upon arriving home..
One of Greg's very close friends lives a few hundred miles away, and doesn't come back here very often. He was coming in this night, and his friends were throwing a little party that night. We plan on going. By the time we get home from the park, however, I'm nearly falling asleep. I'm so tired and sore from little sleep, and a lot of paddling. Still, I agree to go. We're getting ready, I take Kail outside to use the potty before we go. Some idiot kids (17 - 21 in age, I would guess) decide it will be funny to drive up next to me and shout "FATASS", as you read above. I cried, and cried, and told Greg to go without me.He never gets to see his friends, and I'd do the same thing if I were going to get to see my friends. My only request, is that he let me know if he decides to stay the night.. so that I can go to sleep without worrying about an inebriated husband driving 30 + miles to get home in the middle of the night.
It is soon 3 am, my last text from his is at 12:28 am, "..I'm gonna head home sometime soon". I can't keep my eyes open any longer, I fall asleep, assuming I'm going to see him when I wake up. I wake up at 8, he's not in bed. He's not on the couch. I call him several times. No answer. This makes me both worry about his well being, but also who he might be with. As much as I hate to admit it, I still worry that he'll cheat again. I haven't asked him why he didn't come home. Part of me thinks that if I don't know, it will be okay. But, I can tell when he's lying to me. I don't want him to lie to me, I'm not ready for what could happen if he was with someone else. *sigh* my anxiety is killing me.
I think that I over think and over analyze every situation. But, I feel like my anxiety plays a big part in that. And in my depression. I need to manage it better, I need to communicate better, and obviously, I need to get out more..
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