Motivation.

I guess a lot of people struggle with this, because I'm certain that I'm not alone here. But, I always seem to lack motivation to ever really REALLY accomplish anything. It always seems like.. I want to better myself (whether that be losing weight, furthering my education or standing up for my cause), but I just never really do anything about it. I usually pull the old "I'll start next week". I never do..

I need to find some motivation in a hurry. Thoughts of college and cultivating the perfect (okay, not perfect.. but better) beach body are pushing me a little. But, I have this feeling that I'm going to end up ruining my own plans. But I must say, even just typing this out gives me a little push.

As I had mentioned before, Greg and I have really been considering going back to school. I feel like its the best way for me to help support our family. I'll probably have to get a part time job, but I can definitely deal with that. Especially now that we (finally) have two vehicles.. it shouldn't be too hard to find something that'll at least help pay for gas so that I can commute. I don't know how serious Greg is about going to school. I do think he wants to go, but I think we both realize how hard and expensive it's going to be for both of us to go to school, plus he has a full-time job with absolutely crazy hours. Its a tricky situation.

As for me, I want to (maybe) become an art teacher. But, I think I'm going to take some graphic design and photography classes, too. Mostly because I realize that the economy is bad, and that a lot of schools are cutting art classes.. but, maybe I could work as a substitute teacher. But I'd like to at least have GD or photography to fall back on.

I went into too much detail there, I'm sure.
But oh well.
I guess I should tear myself away from the keyboard and go wake up el husband.

Another Update.

So, I've not really had time to write much. Things around here seem to get worse long before they get better. Between arguments and fatigued insomnia (I don't know if that's what its called,  but that's what I'm calling it) I never get anything done. If you think my blog looks bad, you should see our apartment. It's not gross or anything, just oh so cluttered & and dominated by dog hair. Eek.


Through all of the "blah" we're going through right now, with being on a super tight budget & both of us being pretty stressed out... H & I were able to really talk about some things. Some of my issues with depression, loneliness & fear (of his drinking again). I don't think we really accomplished anything though, seeing as last night I was babysitting his drunken ass in Wal-mart. But, it was nice to be able to talk ... Also, I think we've both decided we want to go back to school. We live close(ish) to a local college, that has classes to suit both of us & is fairly affordable. But, I'll have to update you on that later on.. it seems that we won't be able to go until Spring 2012.

Now,
I'm moving. Not me, physically. My blog. To something a little more private. ;)
But I'll reveal a little more later, once I get everything set up the way I want.

Playing catch up.

I've been avoiding putting together this entry for nearly a month now. To be completely honest, I just haven't had the strength or will power. This past month has been confusing, to say the least. I've gone through phases of anger, excitement, sadness & even deep depression.

I guess it all started with a little pregnancy scare. I was freaked out because I had been feeling bad (headaches, nausea, fatigue, etc) and it all seemed to add up. But, after 3 at home tests & a visit with a doctor (who only did a urine test) my results have all been negative. This, however scary that it was, prompted an emotional response from me that I didn't quite expect. After the fear subsided, I actually got excited about the possibility of starting a family. My husband and I talked about it, and decided that a child is definitely in our future (if at all possible). After the excitement (prior to the tests) came sadness.. I was upset that the tests were negative.. Now I'm just REALLY confused. I still have terrible headaches, some heartburn, and this constant "bloaty" feeling.. I've gained about seven pounds, even though my eating habits haven't changed. I wanted my doctor to do a blood test or an ultrasound, just so that I move on & know for certain. Plus, I guess I've been watching too much "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant". I just know the problems that can arise for both baby and mom when you don't have any prenatal care. I probably am just paranoid, but I need to know for certain..

Beyond that, I've started to think more about my life. Between worries of children and of aging. I won't lie, the thought of getting old scares the shit out of me. It always has, but lately its been on my mind a lot. We went to Louisiana to visit his maternal grandparents.. and, it was a sad sad mess. His grandfather is in pretty bad shape and is now in a home. As we walked in, I felt the atmosphere change. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run out. But, I stuck it out, for Greg.. It was a long day, and I think the only good thing that happened that day was me meeting his younger cousin, J. It was nice to have a conversation with someone that I actually had a little in common with, despite a pretty significant age gap. Anyways, that whole ordeal made me wonder what my later years would bring me. Would I still be married? Would I still be healthy? And so many other questions.. Once my mind gets on a topic, its hard to think about anything else.. all I can say is that the future definitely scares me.

Friends vs family.
As I said, its been a weird month- so I'll just throw everything out there. I'm a in bit of a depression.. I lost two very close friends just in this past two weeks. Two of the people that I talked to just about every day. (This is a big deal to me- because since moving to Texas, I've not made a single friend.. so I rely on my friends back in WV a lot. I like to have at least some kind of social life.) In a way, I know I had to do what I did.. but, at the same time.. I miss having someone to talk to so badly. One of these was my younger brother's girlfriend (F) and the other was a friend I've had for years, whom I'd lived with at one point in time (JD). Apparently JD & F had been talking/seeing each other behind my brother's back. I had tried to talk to them, and I had to ask F to step out of our "wedding" in wv.. because I didn't want to make things awkward for my family. I pretty much blew up at JD though. I slightly regret some of it, but I think I had a few pretty good reasons to be upset. In the two months prior to this.. he had begged me to play middle man between him & his ex-girlfriend (K) so that he could break her & her boyfriend (whom she was living with) up. (sending her emails about how he was still in love with her, etc etc.) His attempts were unsuccessful, but it did cause a lot of issues between K and her fella. Shortly after this he was dating someone new... then two weeks later, someone else that he "loved." then less than a week after that he's with F?? Sounds fishy to me.. not to mention that he'll probably change his mind, and will have ruined my brother's & F's relationship permanently.. & this has caused issues with my dad & other brother. They "rent" a house the F's father owns. Now this living arrangement is being threatened, and my dad can't really afford anything else at the moment. Ugh, this is driving me mad.. anyways.. now I am completely stressed out, unsure of so many things.. but to conclude, they both blocked my from FB. I guess the truth hurts?

Some days I wish I had someone here. Someone other than my husband, because as much as I love him, we're so very different. I don't mind that we're different, but when he's the only person I'm ever around, I get irritated, because I want him to do things with me (shop, go for walks, etc) and his interests are elsewhere. I'm going crazy, some days I think I'd be better off to move back to WV.. or , I don't know.. I wish something would happen.

Anger

Today I am simply angry. I am angry that I'm stuck in this cage. I am angry that I don't have the strength to break out of my shell. I am angry that my husband cares more about beer and television than he cares about my needs. I am angry at myself for always putting him first.. because I am truly neglecting myself; my body, my emotional needs, and my maternal needs. I hate that I feel guilty every day of my life because my husband supports me financially. I miss my job, my family, my friends, my hobbies, my life. I have nothing in common with the former Brittany, even though I was becoming a better person- a person that for ONCE in my life, I was happy with. Sure, I lived with my mother.. but other than sharing a roof and a few bills, I lived my life separate from hers. I had more independence, more confidence.. more love for my life. I do not regret moving here with my husband.. I regret changing. I wish I had not become so anxious and depressed again. The fear I have for the outside world astonishes me. But I feel that I have no control over it. I'm angry that I changed my life so that it was convenient for him. It was not his fault, he never asked me to do this, but still I feel this immense resentment towards him for what my life has become. I am angry with myself..

Just an update..

Just popping in to say sorry for all the changes & no posts. Life has been... less than ideal lately. I'm still trying to piece together a couple of entries, but my mind seems to be elsewhere. I'll explain soon! For now.. I have a pulled muscle to tend to. (Hot bath, here I come!)

Getting back on the wagon.

This post may turn out to be a little long, but that won't be my intent. I just have so much on my mind. I was going to type "going on" in place of "on my mind". However, nothing ever happens in my life. The most eventful things that have happened this week.. were talking Greg into going in Hobby Lobby with me & Kail trying to attack a man with a noisy wheelbarrow. -sigh-

I've been trying to evaluate my life.
I feel the need to do this every once in a while, as over time I tend to get off track. But, I don't know what happened this time. In my attempt to make my husband happy, I do believe I've given in a little too much. Not to mention that I have become a house wife. -GASP- Not something I ever pictured for myself. I have no life outside these walls & away from this screen. I've always had anxiety, I really dislike trying to go out and do things on my own, at least the first time. I've told Greg this... I don't know how many times. I don't think I ask for very much.. occasionally a  toy for Kail, some meds and a new outfit (once since we've been together). Truthfully, I don't want material things. I mean, sure.. eventually I'd like to decorate our apartment, but more than anything.. I just want him to come outside with me. The best times I've had with him, has been on random little outings. Walks at the park, paddle boating, walking Kail, etc. Not only are these things very enjoyable and relaxing for me, but we seem to argue less.. and I get less fat.

That brings me to my next point.
After SO much success at my first go at veganism, I'm disappointed in myself. I've gained weight since moving to Texas. My diet went from mostly raw veggies, fruits, greens, organic staples, sugars and breads.. to mostly fast and easy foods. Fries, microwave veggie burgers, no vitamins, etc. I hate to admit it, but I even fell off the vegan wagon when our money got low. It was my diet or his... My husband tried to go vegan for only a few days last week, and he was absolutely miserable. I tried, and tried, and tried to make him food he'd like. Vegetable soup was really the only thing I got anywhere with. So, he went back to eating meat. Which means, I have to prepare and cook it. I HATE it. Being around the flesh & dead carcasses. I want to tell him.. either eat what I'm eating, or fix it yourself. But, I'd feel guilty. But the guilt of preparing their bodies makes me feel even more guilty. So, I have to change this. I know it will get me back on track. I want to get back to where I was. A healthier, more beautiful person from the inside out...

Riding the Depression Express.

So another week passes
I've meant to write more. But I guess my good intentions won't write my blogs for me. We've been back on our old schedule. Me staying up all night to wake him up early in the morning. It's a sucky plan, but its the only one that seems to get him to work on time.

This past week, my anxiety has gotten far worse than I think its ever been. Its so bad, that my face has started breaking out. That's just another worry. My weight won't change (given, I've not tried to do much about it except make smarter food choices, given my position as "Human Alarm Clock"), and last night someone(s) decided to let me know, by yelling "FAT ASS" at me while I was walking Kail. Okay- I know that I'm not tiny, but I'm not huge either. Normally, this wouldn't bother me so much. People are stupid, I get that. But, it was just the straw that broke my self confidence. All my worries and complaints about my body, and now it was apparent that it wasn't just something I was seeing. My physical faults are real.. obvious to the world. This pretty much has ruined my night. The sad thing, is that yesterday was actually an okay day.

Let's start from the beginning..
The plan was to get to bed at a decent hour, wake up pretty early, take Kail for a long walk/run at the park, then spend the rest of our day at the State Park. INSTEAD- we stay up late, discussing finances, horses (which I'll get into another time) & purchased tickets and a hotel room for a 3 day concert next weekend. Its mostly for his birthday, but also because I feel we need this break away from our daily routine. Anyways, he was drinking, and rambling on about a truck. I'm so tired of hearing about it right now. (In fact, that night I even dreamed that we took our cat to the vet, and they told us she needed a new motor...geez) We get to bed around two, but like every other time he's gone to sleep (passed out) after drinking, he takes up the entire bed & simply will not budge. After a couple of hours of trying to balance myself on the edge of the bed AND get to sleep, I gave up and moved to the couch. Our..couch...sucks. I get about an hour of sleep & a couple of weird dreams. (motor cat). After about an hour of sleep, Greg comes into the living room & wakes me. Wondering why I'm laying on the couch. I explain, I think he feels bad, but I'm far too cranky to acknowledge it.

From there, we proceed back to the bedroom. I am so tired, I try to sleep. 2 hours go by, I cannot fall asleep. We finally decide to get up, and try to make the best of this day. He buys himself some fishing stuff (yuck! sadness) and we load up and head out to the State Park. I had forgotten this was Easter Weekend, so it was pretty packed. We explore a little, then decide we want to rent a paddle boat. It took us a while to get one, but it was worth the wait, and the trip. It was really fun. My legs got tired after we were on the other side of the lake though. But it was nice, just spending time with my boo, not at home. I feel our home has just been full of stress lately. Plus, I love love love being out around the water. Something about it is relaxing.I even stuck my feet in the water, which is surprising, considering there are gators here, and I'm pretty much terrified. I was in the moment. After that, we go get food, then come back. Its late, they don't have any more boats for us to take out.. so he tried to fish a bit. No luck (YAY), and we leave. Over all, it was a very lovely experience.

Upon arriving home..
One of Greg's very close friends lives a few hundred miles away, and doesn't come back here very often. He was coming in this night, and his friends were throwing a little party that night. We plan on going. By the time we get home from the park, however, I'm nearly falling asleep. I'm so tired and sore from little sleep, and a lot of paddling. Still, I agree to go. We're getting ready, I take Kail outside to use the potty before we go. Some idiot kids (17 - 21 in age, I would guess) decide it will be funny to drive up next to me and shout "FATASS", as you read above. I cried, and cried, and told Greg to go without me.He never gets to see his friends, and I'd do the same thing if I were going to get to see my friends. My only request, is that he let me know if he decides to stay the night.. so that I can go to sleep without worrying about an inebriated husband driving 30 + miles to get home in the middle of the night.

It is soon 3 am, my last text from his is at 12:28 am, "..I'm gonna head home sometime soon". I can't keep my eyes open any longer, I fall asleep, assuming I'm going to see him when I wake up. I wake up at 8, he's not in bed. He's not on the couch. I call him several times. No answer. This makes me both worry about his well being, but also who he might be with. As much as I hate to admit it, I still worry that he'll cheat again. I haven't asked him why he didn't come home. Part of me thinks that if I don't know, it will be okay. But, I can tell when he's lying to me. I don't want him to lie to me, I'm not ready for what could happen if he was with someone else. *sigh* my anxiety is killing me.

I think that I over think and over analyze every situation. But, I feel like my anxiety plays a big part in that. And in my depression. I need to manage it better, I need to communicate better, and obviously, I need to get out more..